Application of Window of Tolerance: In Relational Therapy

Helen and Josh (pseudo-names), a heterosexual couple in their late 30s arrive to the session, they are very upset with each other and haven't been talking for the past couple of days. I can sense the tension through their body language as they walk into the room. They share how they have been wanting to connect for a very long time but have found themselves agitated and impatient with each other and they hold the other responsible for making them feel this way. They are unhappy, most importantly-disappointed and distant.

As our sessions progress, I introduce "window of tolerance" coined by Dr. Dan Siegal which is a concept used in psychotherapy to describe the optimal zone where individuals can experience and process emotions without becoming overwhelmed or shut down. This window varies from person to person, it is very subjective and can be influenced by factors such as past experiences, coping mechanisms, and current stress levels (you can read more about it here).

The window of tolerance plays a crucial role in how partners interact with each other, especially during times of conflict or emotional distress. When one or both partners fall outside their window of tolerance, it can lead to reactions like fight, flight, or freeze, which can escalate tensions and hinder effective communication.

Being in our window of tolerance is very important because it allows us to think from a calmer state of mind rather than reacting to a potential target i.e. our partner. When we do skill building in couple's session, we work on being calm and empathetic in times of distress. Bringing ourselves back into the Window of Tolerance can be a substantial challenge because, in essence, we are attempting to override our brain's deeply ingrained survival mechanisms. This primal instinct is designed to protect us from harm, and it can be remarkably difficult to convince our mind that there is, in fact, no imminent danger. Furthermore, our past experiences, traumas, and learned associations can contribute to the difficulty of re-establishing the Window of Tolerance. If we have endured significant adversity or trauma in our lives, our brain may be more sensitized to perceiving threats, even in seemingly innocuous situations. Breaking free from these deeply-rooted patterns and retraining our brain to respond in a more balanced manner requires patience, self-compassion, and often the guidance of a trained professional.

Some practical approaches:

1. Understand the importance of being within the Window of Tolerance:

Our mind is constantly scanning for potential threats or sources of stress, whether it's an upcoming exam, meeting someone new, a global pandemic, active wars, or financial strain. While these thoughts may be lingering in the background, the brain keeps these "tabs" open, maintaining a state of vigilance. When we experience chronic or acute stress, we become more susceptible to emotional distress or entering a triggered state. In these heightened states of arousal, our brain may shift into "survival mode," where the focus is solely on immediate self-protection. Consequently, our logical reasoning and problem-solving abilities tend to go offline, as the brain prioritizes instinctive responses over higher-order cognitive functions. This is known as being outside the "window of tolerance" – the optimal zone of arousal where we can effectively process information, regulate emotions, and respond adaptively.

When we're hyper-aroused (highly anxious, angry, or overwhelmed), or hypo-aroused (shut down, dissociated), we lose access to the full range of our cognitive and emotional resources. This can lead to impulsive reactions or a sense of disconnection from ourselves and our surroundings, making it challenging to navigate situations effectively.

2. Cultivate self-awareness and recognize the signs:

Maintaining awareness of our arousal levels and recognizing when we're veering outside the window of tolerance is crucial. Identify your own emotional and physiological responses, such as increased heart rate, muscle tension, or difficulty concentrating. Encourage your partner to become attuned to their own signs as well, fostering a shared understanding of each other's triggers and responses.

3. Make a list of potential stressors:

Writing down a list of potential stressors can help activate your logical thinking brain and widen your perspective. Recognizing that it's not always your partner who may be at fault, but rather external or internal factors contributing to your heightened state, can foster a more holistic understanding of the situation.

4. Create a plan with your partner:

Collaborate with your partner to create a shared plan and understanding about your respective triggers, warning signs, and tools to get back into the window of tolerance. This allows you to support each other through challenging moments and fosters a deeper connection and empathy within your relationship.

5. Practice Emotional Nurturance:

By employing grounding techniques, mindfulness practices, or seeking support from a trusted friend or professional, you can actively work towards enhancing your window of tolerance. Techniques like deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, or engaging in sensory awareness exercises can help anchor you in the present moment and nurture your emotions.

Ultimately, while bringing ourselves back into the Window of Tolerance can be a formidable challenge, it is a crucial skill to cultivate for our overall well-being and ability to navigate life's challenges effectively. By understanding the complexities of our brain's threat detection system and developing strategies to modulate our emotional responses, we can gradually reclaim our cognitive and emotional resources, fostering greater resilience and personal growth.

Author:

Ojasvi Bhardwaj

Registered Psychotherapist, MScA, MSc, BSc

@filgoodtherapy