Belonging at the Cost of Our True Selves (From the lens of a Therapist)

By Ojasvi Bhardwaj, Registered Psychotherapist

Have you ever worn a smile that didn’t quite fit?

As a relational therapist, I often sit with people who quietly carry the ache of not being good enough or not doing enough. This wound can be elusive—buried beneath layers of memories, complex emotions, and stacked thoughts. It takes time, careful pacing, and the safety of the therapeutic relationship to recognize that what we’re encountering is the worthiness wound. But it’s there—in the tension between pleasing and protesting, in the guilt after setting a boundary, in the exhaustion of trying to “get it right,” or in the self-criticism that arises in our search to be enough.

At the core is a fractured self-perception: the belief that we are unworthy. This wound forms when our innate need for belonging merges with environments that condition us to believe we must earn love, prove ourselves, or conform in order to be included. It’s an attachment injury—a disruption in the belief that we are safe and loved simply for being, not just for doing or performing.

The Attachment Need to Belong

Belonging begins even before birth—in the womb. Attachment theory teaches us that our earliest relationships shape our internal working models: how we relate to others and how we relate to ourselves. When caregivers are attuned and accepting, we come to know that love is secure and unconditional. But when belonging is made conditional—when love is withdrawn after mistakes, or achievement is praised while emotions are dismissed—we begin to internalize the message that our worth is performance-based.

And this doesn’t disappear in adulthood. It morphs.

We move through the world wearing masks that align with what we believe society wants from us: the productive employee, the agreeable partner, the selfless caregiver. We say yes when we mean no. We blend in—even when our values whisper, or scream, to stand out. Because somewhere deep in our nervous system, authenticity is still linked with rejection, and conformity with survival.

Society’s Unspoken Rules

We live in cultures shaped by capitalism, patriarchy, white supremacy, and ableism—systems that reward performance and penalize vulnerability. For many, especially those from marginalized communities, fitting in becomes a survival strategy.

We lose touch with what we value because we’ve been conditioned to focus on being valued. I see this as a form of oppression—of the Self.

A Return to the Core

In therapy, I often reflect on how healing rarely happens in isolation. It begins—and deepens—in relationship. Relationships that offer security, spaciousness, and room to be contradictory, messy, and real. Spaces where we can speak truth, be held accountable, and still be met with care.

I am starting to be more aware that our core energy—our unique, authentic Self—is worth exploring with courage. When we return to it, we begin to unlearn oppression and remember our right to exist fully, in connection with ourselves and others.

By Ojasvi Bhardwaj, Registered Psychotherapist